If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
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“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.