Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
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I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Ferrari squats
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes