*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
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Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Do not steal food from the science building!