i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
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Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
😅😅😅
live, laugh, laundry.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.