I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
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The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.