‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
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I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]