My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
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My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Whoa… oh I see lol
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*