Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.