Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
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We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”