Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
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[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Awwwww shit.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us