Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
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[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
are there any atheist mantises?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
buys donuts instead
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids