I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
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Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
You wish you had this many chins.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier