Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
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That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I’m about to risk it all
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.