I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
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Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.