The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
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Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Potatoes were such a good idea
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
*exercises sarcastically*
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now