Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
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would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time