Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
You Might Also Like
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b