Ain’t no way
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I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.