[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
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one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Bond. Trauma bond.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
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