Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
You Might Also Like
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Denise please return my vape pen
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard