if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
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People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.