The answer is funnier than the question
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
*gets down on one knee*
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law