The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
This is true.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.