Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
You Might Also Like
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.