*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
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To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.