[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
You Might Also Like
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…