Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
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Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Y’all know who you are.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
oh my god
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.