“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
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“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
There are usually two types of merchants.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.