I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
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How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Spell check is for lasers.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no