My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
You Might Also Like
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.