Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
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My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’