[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
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Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.