Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
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For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
This came to me in a dream.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.