How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
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I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.