Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
You Might Also Like
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
True.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?