me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
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Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.