They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
You Might Also Like
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I’m too immature for adultery.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
WHY?!
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep