It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
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My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”