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*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.