me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
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(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.