Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
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When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
ME:
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ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.