replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
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Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.