Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Livid.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen