Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
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My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.