The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
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Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
How dramatic are you?
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.