the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…