My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
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Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
The government even made aliens boring
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.