Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
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Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.