Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
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I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late