*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
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today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I mean…but I did
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.